Hansoland

I'm announcing an announcement disguised as another announcement

2008-08-15T22:00:00Z

ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS
RE: CONFIRMATION OF LAUNCH DATE FOR VOLUNTEER TESTING

Hans Van Eeghen is a dude

I am pleased to announce that, following an extensive security audit of all departments within the Dharma Initiative, I am totally satisfied that DharmaWantsYou.com is now secure. As a result I am able to confirm a date for the commencement of our latest volunteer testing program.

Visit www.dharmawantsyou.com to confirm the launch date.

I have heard from many of you in recent weeks via email asking what will be assessed in the program and what the nature of our latest research is. I have found your enthusiasm and relentless curiosity extremely endearing. However, in the interests of maintaining the integrity of the testing process, I cannot be forthcoming on these enquiries.

Despite this, I would like to affirm to you all that I am extremely optimistic about these upcoming evaluations and believe that they will yield recruits of the highest caliber.

Good luck to all applicants.

Together we can guide the world to a better tomorrow.

Namaste,

Hans Van Eeghen
Head of Recruiting
The Dharma Initiative

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: RuckusGuy inside dharmawantsyou.com

2008-08-10T02:20:06Z

Hansoland has acquired the exclusive rights to a photo of Dan Bronson, aka RuckusGuy, inside the dharmawantsyou.com Web server.

Dan BronsTron

Danny Boy, if they make you race in some weird motorcycle, be very careful on the turns.

i am not on the outside

2008-08-08T21:09:01Z

i am on the inside

Great Randolph Scott! It appears RuckusGuy is stuck inside the dharmawantsyou.com Web server. In addition to the "hack" of said Web site chronicled in the video above. We have also received a singing telegram and one of those planes with the banner trailing behind it with a message on it from RuckusGuy to inform us of the fact that he is indeed "on the inside". While we are well pleased with the canned ham that accompanied the singing telegram (it was very delicious), we are deeply concerned that our dear friend RuckusGuy has shoehorned himself into a computer.

RuckusGuy, we are all here because we love you and we want the best for you. It hurts us to see you behaving so carelessly, staying out all night, jumping into strange computers. While it may be warm inside that Web server, it is only a superficial warmth that can't compare to the feeling you'll get when you're once again safe in the arms of your friends and family. So RuckusGuy, please just come out of the computer and come on home.

New E-mail from Egghead?

2008-08-06T22:00:00Z

ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS
RE: SECURITY BREACH AT COMIC-CON 2008

May I have your attention please?

As many of you may be aware there have been a number of security breaches in recent days related to the nature of the Dharma Initiative's latest research.

This included the unauthorized release of sensitive video documentation during a sponsored panel discussion with the makers of the TV show "LOST" at Comic-Con 2008 in San Diego. Consequently, the person responsible for this breach, a promising recruit by the name of Dan Bronson, has been expelled from the volunteer program and had his Dharma membership permanently revoked. Furthermore, the Dharma Initiative has withdrawn their sponsorship from "LOST".

The Dharma Initiative must stress that the video material leaked at Comic-Con 2008 was viewed entirely out of context. Furthermore, the way in which the material was presented utterly distorted its significance and credibility as scientific data.

The Dharma Initiative is extremely disappointed with this outcome and has ordered a security audit of all departments. As part of this audit the DharmaWantsYou recruiting website will undergo a security upgrade in the next few days.

Upon completion of this upgrade a date will be announced for the official commencement of Volunteer Assessments.

All recruits are reminded that the unauthorized release of confidential information pertaining to the details of your activities within the Dharma Initiative will result in instant dismissal from the volunteer program.

Namaste.
Hans Van Eeghen
Head of Recruiting
The Dharma Initiative.

The Players in The Project

2008-07-30T03:50:26Z

So, I thought it would be prudent at this juncture to introduce you, my beloved readers, to the main players in the Dharma Initiative Octagon Global Recruiting recruitment project. So without further Freddy Adu, here they are.

Number One: Hans Van Eeghen

First up is my main man, Hans Van Eeghen, also known as "The Eggstractor"

What are you gonna do when the eggstractor goes wild on you?

The things you need to now about Hans are: he's some kind of European, he suffers from painful anal fissures that complicate his bowel movements, and he's VERY high in cholesterol, so don't eat him more than a couple times a week.

Numero Dos: Honda Big RuckusGuy

What's the big ruckus?

Usually simply referred to as "RuckusGuy" this "Guy" is really just Rachel Blake with Rollie Fingers mustache.

What Rollie does in his free time is really none of my business

Last but not least: Secret Squirrel

How these two jackasses get anything done is beyond me

Secret Squirrel plays a key role in "The Project". However, the nature of this clandestine critter's involvement with the Dharma Initiative is not yet fully understood.

Alrighty, now that you're some kind of expert about "The Project", send Hans an e-mail with some tips about how he can soothe his aching bunghole.

Do you feel lucky Hans?

DOUBLEYOUr pleasure? DOUBLEYOUr fun?

2008-07-29T13:35:39Z

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

This is the "bluetooth" "dharmawantsyou" "video" "that" "was"...oops, secret-squirrel-ly distributed at ComicCon as revealed by (Honda Big) RuckusGuy. And if I were to buy a motor scooter I'm sure the Honda Big Ruckus would be near the top of the short, short list of candidates.

Hans Wants You

2008-07-29T06:07:02Z

He wants what he wants

I just received a new e-mail message from international man of mystery Hans Van Eeghen. Here is the text of the message:

THE DHARMA INITIATIVE WANTS YOU!

Recruiting Volunteers NOW.
Join the Dharma Initiative's latest groundbreaking research project.

Visit www.dharmawantsyou.com and complete an 'Eligibility Test'.
Our innovative research has brought together some
of the brightest minds on the planet.
And we'd like you to join us.

APPLY TODAY.
HELP GUIDE THE WORLD TO A BETTER TOMORROW.

E-mail from Octagon Global Recruiting

2008-07-18T15:43:46Z

ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS
DHARMA HEAD OF RECRUITING TO ATTEND LAUNCH

Octagon Global Recruiting, on behalf of the Dharma Initiative, is pleased to announce that Dharma's Head of Recruiting, Mr. Hans Van Eeghen, has confirmed his availability for the launch of our latest recruiting drive at Comic-Con 2008.

"My colleagues at Octagon Global Recruiting assure me that Comic-con hosts some of the brightest minds in the country," said Mr. Van Eeghen. "As Head of Recruiting it is my intention to personally assess the very best of this talent in the hope that they may join us."

The Dharma Initiative will be conducting eligibility assessments at Booth 3529 at Comic-Con, San Diego between July 24th - 27th.

If you are attending Comic-Con and would like to submit your name for a randomly selected drawing to secure one of ten (10) pre-release appointments with one of our recruiting officers, please click here.

The volunteer eligibility assessment will be available online from July 28th for a limited time at www.dharmawantsyou.com

The Dharma Initiative hopes you will spread the word. Invite your friends to join the team at www.octagonglobalrecruiting.com

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL COMMUNICATION OF THE DHARMA INITIATIVE:
This message and its attachments are confidential and may contain information which is protected by copyright. It is intended solely for the named addressee. If you are not the authorized recipient (or responsible for delivery of the message to the authorized recipient), you must not use, disclose, print, copy or deliver this message or its attachments to anyone. If you receive this email in error, please contact the sender immediately and permanently delete this message and its attachments from your system. Any content of this message and its attachments that does not relate to the official business of the Dharma Initiative or its subsidiaries must be taken not to have been sent or endorsed by any of them. No representation is made that this email or its attachments are without defect or that the contents express views other than those of the sender.

Jimmy Jackie and Frankie

2008-05-30T04:58:07Z

I wanna go back to the island

What do Jimmy Buffett, Jack Shephard, and Frank Lapidus have in common?

The Smoking Fish Returns

2008-05-30T04:34:07Z

Just what am I talking about?

That's right, I'm back. Sorry to have kept you waiting. So then, what we have here is a another case of the mysterious web site.

Just what is Miles talking about? Just what is Octagon Global Recruiting all about? Fear not my friends, for I am here to (mis)guide and comfort you.

Who knows, we might even get "Hugh McIntyre" to show up at our barbecue this time.

Gobble Gobble,

Mr. Fisk

Calling All Ichthyologists!

2008-05-30T04:20:15Z

Everybody Wants You

San Diego, CA May 29, 2008 - The Dharma Initiative is a multidisciplinary research collective dedicated to improving the human condition through innovative scientific research. Our directors are recognized leaders in their fields, with distinguished research histories in a wide range of social and scientific disciplines.

A new research project is about to commence which will play a vital role in the furthering Dharma Initiative's objectives.

Octagon Global Recruiting, on behalf of the Dharma Initiative, requires research volunteers to assist in a range of unpaid positions.

Our national recruitment drive will commence in San Diego, California, July 24 - 27, 2008.

To apply for an unpaid position, or to simply learn more, please visit: http://www.octagonglobalrecruiting.com

The Valenzetti Equation Revealed?

2006-06-29T05:00:03Z

Dr. Valenzetti's Equation, I presume

If we believe what Dr. "Belt" Zander said in the video. Then, those hieroglyphs we saw on the countdown clock in the hatch may have been a representation of the Valenzetti Equation, or at least somehow related to the Valenzetti Equation.

Also, if the Hanso Foundation has lots of top mathematicians locked in a basement, I would think that they should be able to encrypt their files so that Rachel Blake, Persephone, Prosperpine, Proctologist, or whatever you want to call her, couldn't read them.

Additionally, it would seem that these simple obfuscation schemes that Rachel likes to use to protect her passwords and so forth are even more trivial for The Hanso Foundation to crack than they are for the rest of us. So, why are we using ASCII codes, Base64, and so forth??? It just slows down the good guys.

Rachel, I propose that we drop the magic words and secret handshakes. The Hanso Foundation can obviously break any code faster than your "allies" can.

The Mystery of the Disappearing Video

2006-06-28T19:40:23Z

I'll bet the video is in the Old Mill

YoShie found a video here:

http://www.garytroup.net/wm/WEEK2POST3med.wmv

But, now it is gone. It was probably a mistake to post such a huge video anyway. Right, so in the video, Rachel is interviewing, or rather interrogating, Dr. "Hotpants" Zander from the Vik Institute. When they get to the good part about what's really in "the third basement", our copy of the video comes to an abrupt halt. It's hard to say at the moment if this is how it should be, or if it's just because of technical problems with the Gary Troup site.

Thanks again YoShie!

UPDATE: Here is a copy of the full video. Thanks starhmjx!

Sneaky Rachel Strikes Back

2006-06-28T13:59:19Z

Rachel has "no love for the Minnesota Vikings"

Sorry, but Rachel just isn't very smart. She's sneaking around chasing after Mittelwerk, right? So why does she update her travelblog, pointing out the fact that she is now in Iceland? Wouldn't it be smarter to keep quiet about her location? If you ask me, she's just begging for another visit from "Iron Man".

Thanks to YoShie

Copenhagen Post 7

2006-06-27T14:26:47Z

We come from the land of the ice and snow...

Rachel has posted to her blog again. It seems she's off to Iceland!
And remember those islands on the maps that Mittelwerk dropped? Now that we know those islands are in Canada, Rachel swears that there was a picture of another island that wasn't in the video. Sounds like a book title to me: The Invisible Island of Dr. Mittelwerk. Also, she's decided to give one of her biggest critics, GidgetGirl, admin rights to her blog.

Thanks YoShie!